Jimmy's running short o' cash, the bar takings have took a crash Jimmy can't think what to do, the bills in from the local breweryyyy Oi!

Jim's a nutcase round the twist, Jimmy is an arsenist Jimmy thinks nowt of the cost & sets alight to his own hosterlryyyyy

Flames grow high, in the blaze of the borough Jimmy fried. In the blaze of the borough, the blaze of the borough hey!

Windows cracked & bottles broke, the bar & lounge were full o' smoke Things would soon look bright n' sunny when Jim claims the insurance money back Oi! Jimmy's a crackpot, he forgot, he was trapped inside, the clot A ring of flames with Jimmy in the middle, he'd cocked up his insurance fiddleoo

Flames grow high, in the blaze of the borough Jimmy fried. In the blaze of the borough, the blaze of the borough hey!

Flames grow high, flames grow high, in the borough ohhhhh Jimmy fried. Oh yes he fried,nin the borough ohhhhh

Kick his head, smash his face & do a bunk with his brief case Shoplifting for a lark, walk on the grass in the park In the restaurant loads o' nosh, stuff yer face & leave no dosh We are skint but we're alright, a different burglary each night

No little blue light, there's not a copper in sight no more..

You can commit any crime you please You won't get nicked in sunderland, the coppers are softies They hide when there's a thief or rogue at large When they get hit they run & tell the sarge… a bunch o' fairies

Rob a bank, get some bread or be a pickpocket instead A torch a swag bag with a crow bar, gettaway in a stolen car Break in to the town hall, spray graffiti on the wall If you're drunk and disorderly, then Sunderland's the place to be

You won't get me, down werside contabulary

You can commit any crime you please You won't get nicked in sunderland, the coppers are softies They hide when there's a thief or rogue at large When they get hit they run & tell the sarge… a bunch o' fairies

Run Buck naked in the street, there ain't a bobby on the beat Raid the local jewellery store, no one to stop you break the law

The bobby's get sore, but there's no constables round here no more

You can commit any crime you please You won't get nicked in sunderland, the coppers are softies They hide when there's a thief or rogue at large When they get hit they run & tell the sarge… a bunch o' fairies

Good morning Britain….. Nobody can believe what the sun's gonna be….. A married chap…. been having it off with Annie now Annie's feeling crap.. cause Annie's been left in the craaaa She doesn't care… cause Annie's been putting herself about everywhere We all agree… Annie is a scrubber get her of the T.V.

Russel Grant and Jimmy Grieves and Gorden Honycombe Nick Kelly they all agree send Annie back home…

Annie, Annie, get the dodgy boiler off the T.V. Annie, Annie, now we're not fond of Annie Diamond get her off, get her off…. of the T.V.

We're really sick…. Annie was a canny lass and now she's up the stick We couldn't tell…. but now we can we know that Annie's a dirty Jezabel

Russel Grant and Jimmy Grieves….

Annie, Annie, get the dodgy boiler off the T.V. Annie, Annie, now we're not fond of Annie Diamond get her off, get her off…. of the T.V.

She used to have a thousand fans that really used to spoil her until they found out that Anne's a dodgy boiler…

Annie, Annie, get the dodgy boiler off the T.V. Annie, Annie, now we're not fond of Annie Diamond get her off, get her off…. of the T.V.

Out in the courtyard, cold & it's so hard Now Betty's crying, she wants to die Coz it's over, die, but she…

Knows that her grieving, it's not achieving What Bet's believing, he will return

Alecs gone (x6)

Away oo oo oo gone away oo oo ooo

Down in The Rovers, Bet can't get over What he said to her, he will return

Alecs gone… He's gone, done a bunk

Betty's still dreaming, inside she's screaming Out for the day that he will return

Alecs gone…

I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain To see for certain, what I thought I knew Far far away, someone was weeping But the world was sleeping, any dream will do

I wore my coat, with golden lining Bright colours shinning, wonderful & new And in the East, the dawn was breaking The world was waking, any dream will do

A crash of drums, a flash of light My golden coat flew outta sight The colours faded into darkness, I was left alone

May I return, to the beginning The light is dimming, and the dream is too The world & I, we are still waiting Still hhhhesitating, any dream will do

A crash…The world & I…

Just like we had ffffeared, the mates we had have all dissapeared Nicky, Flip, Paul, Fat Bob and Ted, they all done a bunk & all got wed Out with the lads for a laugh and a beer, those days are no longer 'ere With a lump in yer throat & a shiver down yer spine

They're the memories of 1979

Wooooooooooo that's where we wanna be 1979 (x2)

Flip a punk sssuddenly aged, he sold his leather jacket just to get engaged Bobby was a skinhead, but Bobby's hair grew, all for a bird who made him bbblue We never thought we'de see the day, Teddy with a Mrs in the family way Oh what went wrong? things were just fine,

So take me back to 1979

Wooooooooooo that's where we wanna be 1979 (x2)

Freddie was a free bloke fffull o' life, now Freddie is a bag o' misery with a wife Everynight George hit the town, by 8'o clock now he's in his dressing gown They ain't the lads we knew before, you don't see them down the pub no more They're discontented mates o' mine who wanna be back in 1979.

You got me outa my head coz I'm not h, h, h, hunky you're driving me insane coz I'm not f, f, funky well it's a bare faced cheek calling me a skinny freak it's a bare faced cheek you say I'm a skinny punk and you call me a cheeky monkey.

Was it something that I spilt on my new continental quilt or what? Could it have been a bad dream that creptin bed & made me scream or what? What attracted such a beast, why did it want to make a feast of me?..

Bug bug a bug a bed bug A bug a bug a bug a bug bugger than a bumble bee Bug bug a bug a bed bug A bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug bit me! In a night of misery.

Was it coz the chocolate sweets I ate last night between the sheets or what? What could it be that made me frown, the biscuit crumbs on my night gown or what? A nit in neen of nourishment, it got inside the bed & went for me.

Bug bug a bug a bed bug A bug a bug a bug a bug bugger than a bumble bee Bug bug a bug a bed bug A bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug bit me! In a night of misery.

Was it coz I was dirty that it took a fancy to me or what? I jumped up sweating with fright, oh will it take another bite or what? I felt the fangs rip thru my vest, the mattress monster was digesting me!

Bug bug a bug a bed bug A bug a bug a bug a bug bugger than a bumble bee Bug bug a bug a bed bug A bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug a bug bit me! In a night of misery.

You tell me, I'm not good e nough for you, what can I do? shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh, I got so sick I told a Vic ar her dad, I must be mad, shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh…

He just said don't worry your head there'll be another girl instead trust in God the father and the son get out of her life and Bless you my soon…

You always said you wanted a stead y boyfriend, now don't pretend shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh, I took the path up to the Cath edral where, he stood there, shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh…

He just said don't worry your head there'll be another girl instead trust in God the father and the son get out of her life and Bless you my soon…

I ever thought, that I would be court ing with you, but it's true shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh, but it went bad because her dad he saw me with her you see, shiddle iddle ay shiddle iddle oh,

He just said don't worry your head there'll be another girl instead trust in God the father and the son get out of her life and Bless you my soon…

Well it's one for the money, two for the show, Three to get ready now go cat go, But don't you step on my blue suede shoes, You can do anything but keep off my blue suede shoes.

Carol Dodds ahooo is a girl, she was always happ ee but now it's crap for her she's met Keith, Carol Dodds ahooo's in a whirl, she thinks Keith is good, but I knew he would leave herrrrrrrrr

She is getting fat her belly's got a lump in it, Keith must have done that, you never see him now, poor Carol does beg Keith back coz she's preg nant Carol Dodds is preeeeeeegnant…

Carol Dodds ahoo's getting sick, she does want Keith much, even just to touch him would make her feel good, Carol Dodds ahoo needs love quick, she just wants to be, next to Keith you see to satisfy herrrrrrrrr…

She is getting fat her belly's got a lump in it, Keith must have done that, you never see him now, poor Carol does beg Keith back coz she's preg nant Carol Dodds is preeeeeeegnant…

Carol Dodds ahoo misses Keith, she's finding it tough, though Keith is a scruff she loves him madly, Carol Dodds ahoo's lost belief, she told him she's pregnant, but Keith just went frant, ic he upt and left herrrrrr

She is getting fat her belly's got a lump in it, Keith must have done that, you never see him now, poor Carol does beg Keith back coz she's preg nant Carol Dodds is preeeeeeegnant…

I was feeling blue, she made me feel guilty When I took that trip to Deutscheland, Germany She said I am a man, keep out of the Reeperbahn, mind you

Nick off is what I said, I'll please myself instead & you can drop down dead, to Hamburg I am headed I don't want no debates, now I'm off with me mates. Toodle oo I said stuff you!

Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, caught red handed… Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, she said “Don't go there man” Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, oh caught up the Reeperbahn

I told her to trust me, I agree in honesty Believe me she did not, she knew I was a sex pot I did not feel at ease when I left the strip-tease, I screamed as she seized me!

Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, caught red handed… Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, she said “Don't go there man” Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, oh caught up the Reeperbahn

It was just a laugh, I said don't be so strict I did not tell her what went on up the red light district You're all the same you men, you better say auf wiedersehen Coz you won't be comin“ here again!

Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, caught red handed… Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, she said “Don't go there man” Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, oh caught up the Reeperbahn

Caught up the Ree… perbahn.

Old Jackie's gone to sea, Jackie's gone oh Jackie's gone to sea, where will he be? when will we see? Old Jackie at home on land from sea…

A secret mission he's been on he's not been fishin' like they all say, it's all hush hush don't make a fuss, and they all rush to say…

Jackie's been on a holiday a million miles away, Jackie's back, we hope that Jackie stays, We won't know when Jackie goes, and he won't hear us say, come back Jackie, come back Jackie ooh today…

Since Jackie went to sea they've heard nothing since he went to sea, where's Jackie, where can he be? no one knows where old Jackie can be…

Who's a pretty boy then? Your girlfriend says when she's got you wearing a tie You're looking like a puff and you think I've had enough Stop and take a look at yourself for a while And you'll know it's time to say

Cheerio, cheerio Toodle pip, toodle pip This is our last goodbye Don't cry Cheerio, cheerio Toodle pip, toodle pip Our last farewell, goodbye.

Sitting watching Coronation street You decide to put your feet up, just about comfy in your seat And she says, I'm feeling hungry If she sends you out for a bag of fish'n'chips You'll know it is time to say…

Cheerio, cheerio Toodle pip, toodle pip This is our last goodbye Don't cry Cheerio, cheerio Toodle pip, toodle pip Our last farewell, goodbye.

Need a bit of shut eye so you lie on the couch She is yapping in the background Baby's things wedding rings It's not for you, she will never keep her mouth shut You have to tell her now, once and for all Coz now it's time to say…

Cheerio, cheerio Toodle pip, toodle pip This is our last goodbye Don't cry Cheerio, cheerio Toodle pip, toodle pip Our last farewell, goodbye.

Cloughy's lads are full o' gloom, coz Cloughy's in the changin' room Why can't he nick off & leave them be? He screams & yells & just because, Cloughy knows that he's the boss Cloughy's rough & tough Cloughy's barmy

Cloughy's in a huff & tense, Cloughy's teeth begin to clench A Cloughy fan asks for his autograph… “Can yer sign this Brian?” He nuts him first & smacks him next, nobody makes Cloughy vexed Cloughy is the chief Cloughy's the Gaffa

Cloughy is a football hooligan, now Cloughy's only at his prime with his fist in yer nose when the referee blows full time

Brian Brian kicks & slaps & he shouts oi! Brian Brian Cloughy is a bootboy

The judge tells Cloughy to keep calm, he's up for Grevous Bodily Harm Cloughy stands and begins to YELL Cloughy must have a screw loose coz Cloughy says he's gonna cruc.. ify the cops when he gets out the cell

CLOUGHY IS A FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN…(x2)

Brian Brian kicks & slaps & he shouts oi! Brian Brian Cloughy is a bootboy

He kicks & slaps, he thumps & cracks, he nuts & smacks and shouts Oi!

Davey's life has changed dramatically, now We warned him but the daft puff couldn't see Jack the Lad, but he's lost his credibility now He's took the plunge now he lives in misery

DAVEYYYYYYYYY… Had no choice when the vicar's voice put him on the spot DAVEYYYYYYYYY… Davey's got hitched, Davey's been stitched up, Dave's a clot

Davey's not the Davey that I knew, now He stays at home with the Mrs, & he never goes out Davey does what she tells him to do, now SHE'S A BAG that nags, it's about time he gave her a clout

DAVEYYYYYYYYY… Had no choice when the vicar's voice put him on the spot DAVEYYYYYYYYY… Davey's got hitched, Davey's been stitched up, Dave's a clot

Davey's anniversary is due now His face is as long as the river Nile Davey will not admit that it's true, now He's been cheesed off since he walked up the aisle

DAVEYYYYYYYYY… Had no choice when the vicar's voice put him on the spot DAVEYYYYYYYYY… Davey's got hitched, Davey's been stitched up, Dave's a clot

“David Man, yer hav'n't finished yer tea” “It doesn't matter, I can't wait to drive my XR2” “Oh David, don't drive fast David” “See ya!” “David, David…DAVID!”

I don't wanna be alive, if I ain't on the road Wheels off the ground the speed o'sound, stuff the Highway Code

Electric windows down, sound system, size ten What a prat they say “That boys racers back again”

The engine soared as he got fasta He bought a Ford Fiesta He can't wait to accelerate In his jet car, X R…2

I never leave my XR2, of that there ain't no fear The only time, is when I'm watching Top Gear

40 fog lamps on the front, twin spoilers, I agree The meanest man on the Autobahn, nobody gets past me

The engine soared as he got fasta He bought a Ford Fiesta Upside down, the wheels spun round On his jet car, XR…2

“He's driving me MAAAAAAAD”

First of all there was Ray he went with Deidrie yeh Ray thought that he was the bee's knee but now he's left her and she's pleased and just incase you meet Deidrie down Coronation Street she's a slag.

everybody sing… Deidrie's a slag slag slag slag Deidrie's a slag big ugly slag yeh Deidrie's a slag.

Mike Baldwin came like a flash he had a Jag U ar and cash Ken saw them at the flicks that night neckin on he squeezed her tight and just in case you meet Deidrie down Coronation Street she's a slag…

everybody sing… Deidrie's a slag slag slag slag Deidrie's a slag big ugly slag yeh Deidrie's a slag.

Ken was next said I love you why all the o-ther blokes too Deidrie said what's it got to do with you it's up to me what I do and just in case you meet Deidrie down Coronation Street she's a slag…

everybody sing… Deidrie's a slag slag slag slag Deidrie's a slag big ugly slag yeh Deidrie's a slag.

Brighten up you home, it said in the advert All your decorating done by an expert How the hell was I to know he's such a dirty sod I wanted subtle shades, maybe something duller There's paint on the chairs & the dogs a different colour I'm the only bloke I know that does have a day-glo scullery…

Dez the demon…never coming back, he's never coming back ooeee Dez the demon…never get a cheque, he'll never get a cheque from me Dez the demon decorator

He split a tin o'gloss coz he's a clumsy swine “I'll paint the carpet pink, I've got no turpentine” Pink footprints everywhere reminding me The neighbours came for tea & they began to frown The wallpaper was cock-eyed, flowers upside down What the flippen 'ecks that decorating clown done now…

Dez the demon…never coming back, he's never coming back ooeee Dez the demon…never get a cheque, he'll never get a cheque from me Dez the demon decorator

Dez the demons deed is done, my house is an eye-sore Bumps & Lumps in the wallpaper, paint splashed on the floor I won't be calling Dez the demon, won't be calling Dez the demon I won't be calling Dez the demon decorator anymore…

Dez the demon…never coming back, he's never coming back ooeee Dez the demon…never get a cheque, he'll never get a cheque from me Dez the demon decorator Dez the demon decorator, tor

Friday night is bath night this is what they say We are gonna dig the groove, we've waited all day We wear trendy trousers with belts a mile too long We are gonna catch the bus into the town We are boogie on down…

Dig that groove ba-a-by (repeat) Dig dig dig dig digga that groove baby.

There they are again covered in Old Spice They think they will get the girls cause they smell nice, They all call me riff raff 'Coz I wear a Crombie I couldn't stand it being just like them they all look like puffs not men

Dig that groove ba-a-by (repeat) Dig dig dig dig digga that groove baby.

See that trendy there she used to be a punk Now she's off to the disco to listen to junk Her boyfriend was a skinhead He used to shout Oi! Oi! Play that funky music that's what they say now Come with me and I'll show you how…

Dig that groove ba-a-by (repeat) Dig dig dig dig digga that groove baby.

Ran over by a bus up the high street Dougy only feels a tickle in his feet the driver shouts Oi! are you alright but Dougy's on his way Dougy then has a little mishap when a geezer comes along and gives him a slap, Dougy said it's wise that you apologize or else you'll face D D D Dougy

Beware, beware, beware, beware, never never mess with Dougy Bell beware beware beware beware never never mess with him D you, d you, d you, do you wanna be like Dougy or d you, d you, d you, d you wanna be like me I wanna wanna wanna be like Dougy.

Dougy's getting sick of burglaries he's changed all the locks and he's bought new keys he's gonna get the robber no matter what it takes he's gonna die Dougy sits waiting with a hammer on his bed some dirty rougues gonna get a sore head fifteen vilains or maybe even more ran when they saw D D D Dougy

Beware, beware, beware, beware, never never mess with Dougy Bell beware beware beware beware never never mess with him D you, d you, d you, do you wanna be like Dougy or d you, d you, d you, d you wanna be like me I wanna wanna wanna be like Dougy.

Oh Dougy's in the backroom playing pool, He's lost five quid but he keeps his cool, dougy is a winner, he'll not be beat, So the game goes on. Dougy! Half an hour later when the poolroom's in a wreck the opposition tries to stick something down his neck, He began the cry cause he was gonna die Cause he fooled whith da da da da dougy.

Beware, beware, beware, beware, never never mess with Dougy Bell beware beware beware beware never never mess with him D you, d you, d you, do you wanna be like Dougy or d you, d you, d you, d you wanna be like me I wanna wanna wanna be like Dougy.

If you're down and you're sick, and you want her out quick, but you don't know the trick what to do, she'll be laughing at you, if you don't have a clue show that you have grew up and shout… we are thru and say…

DO YOU want to finish OR WHAT?, I've just about had MY LOT, I can't take this from you, I'M FED up now because she said, I don't know what to do…

You've got to be a man, kick her out while you can, get a re-moval van booked for her, tell her to take her stuff, it's time now to be tough, you've had about enough and don't want to suffer any more,

DO YOU want to finish OR WHAT?, I've just about had MY LOT, I can't take this from you, I'M FED up now because she said, I don't know what to do…

A fortnight is long ee nough for her to agree, to decide just what she wants to do, if by then she does not you've got to start n plot, just where when to do and what, how you're gonna get shot of her…

DO YOU want to finish OR WHAT?, I've just about had MY LOT, I can't take this from you, I'M FED up now because she said, I don't know what to do…

You can guess whatlife for Dougy is like, he wakes up in the street, No home, no bed, he says he's lucky, That he can smile and be happy…

Dougy, Dougy, Giro (x2)

People say that he's not worthy of clothes, that shows that they don't care, But he does not let this get him down, That is how Dougy stays alive…

Dougy, Dougy, Giro (x2)

Dougy's inside a bus shelter, It's raining and a sight to see, Dougy smiles he's seen a rainbow, Every.. where's bright, and so is he…

Dougy, Dougy, Giro (x2)

Too much nosh & too much booze He spent all night in the bog with the blues An aching head, intoxicated He didn't even know he was constipated

He forced & he frowned, he pushed & he stained But on the toilet seat he remained He let out a shout as he passed out & his gut was rearranged

No walks in the park, no drinks, no grub He can't embark on a trip to the pub He sits in the dark, and says don't trouble me

No one sees he's a ruptured man He can't sneeze like you normally can They're all mean, they're all riff raff He turns green when they make him laugh Ernie had a. Ernie had a… Hernia, a hernie Ernie had a. Ernie had a… Hernia, a hernie… He had a hernia

He can't stand up, her can't lie flat The torment in his tummy preventing that He can't sit down, can't go anywhere The devil in his belly proving too much to bear

He can't go out & he can't stay in Oh what's it all about? He just can't win No chance of a bath or to see the lavatory for him

Ernie had a. Ernie had a… Hernia, a hernie Ernie had a. Ernie had a… Hernia, a hernie… He had a hernia

Ernie never smiles & he dare not grin An aggravating abdomen wearing him thin Ernie had a hernia but he did not give in

Ernie had a. Ernie had a… Hernia, a hernie Ernie had a. Ernie had a… Hernia, a hernie… He had a hernia

He had a hernia

Ooh you won't ever see me without a smiling face diddle iddle I do that's coz I go Jitterbug, jitterbug, jitterbuggin, ooh if you're feelin lonely or you're feelin blue just come with me I'll show you what to do…

Everybody shout HEY! everybody sing HEY! we're all goin jitterbuggin, everybody jitterbug.

Looking out the window baby's gone away don't be upset it's not the end Jitterbug, jitterbug, jitterbuggin if you want to jitter-bug then good for you just come with me I'll show you what to do…

Everybody shout HEY! everybody sing HEY! we're all goin jitterbuggin, everybody jitterbug.

Jitterbuggin meril-y all night and day always laughin, laugh laugh laughin jitterbug, jitterbug, jitterbuggin if you're feelin gloomy, tired or got the flu come with me I'll show you what to do…

Everybody shout HEY! everybody sing HEY! we're all goin jitterbuggin, everybody jitterbug.

Fat Bob does not wash or scrub He's never seen a bath tub before When will Fat Bob use the sink? We can't face the Fat Bob stink no more!

A killer pong on a gateshead street 50 drop deady… Bobby Bobby Quick quick quick it's Fat Bob's feet There's nowt more deadly.

Fat Bob's not cleaned his socks yet He's not been to the launderette before Spray Fat Bob's feet with fungicide He's wiped out two thirds of tyneside or more

A killer pong on a gateshead street 50 drop deady… Bobby Bobby Quick quick quick it's Fat Bob's feet There's nowt more deadly.

Tyne & Wear have got the blues The end is nigh on the Look North news Fat Bob's taken off his shooooooes

A killer pong on a gateshead street 50 drop deady… Bobby Bobby Quick quick quick it's Fat Bob's feet There's nowt more deadly.

It only takes one wiff.

Oh! I woke up with a backache Backache! Backache! I thought I ought to go to the first aid tin Where I found something for my backache Backache! Backache! I rubbed in some cream and started to scream! Oh no!!!

Firey Jack Firey Jack- It's red hot on your back Firey Jack Firey Jack- Believe me it does knack Firey Jack Firey Jack- It's red hot on your back Firey Jack

Now I had a back ache on me backache Backache Backache! I jumped into the bath full of cold water The firey Jack had made me backache Backache Backache! I'm worse than before I can't take anymore Oh no!!!

Firey Jack Firey Jack- It's red hot on your back Firey Jack Firey Jack- Believe me it does knack Firey Jack Firey Jack- It's red hot on your back Firey Jack

Oh! If you do get a backache Backache backache! And you feel you have to reach for the first aid tin Think! Life is not that bad with a backache If you see a tin with firey Jack in Stay awayyyyy…

Firey Jack Firey Jack- It's red hot on your back Firey Jack Firey Jack- Believe me it does knack Firey Jack Firey Jack- It's red hot on your back Firey Jack (x2)

Its red hot… on your back… on your back

Frederick Street was on the news tonight outside Fosters club had been a fight and everytime you go to dig the beat you will hear a yelp and somebody shouting for help…

Hello, hello, hello, hello, who's down there? who's down there? (x2) in the fisticuffs in Frederick Street I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, you don't wanna be, we don't wanna be there..

Fosters club was full up to the brim everybody risking life and limb and just to go and pose at the disco but posing wasn't easy and the D.J. he got queasy, blow by blow…

Hello, hello, hello, hello, who's down there? who's down there? (x2) in the fisticuffs in Frederick Street I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, you don't wanna be, we don't wanna be there..

Everything's silent on Frederick Street a lonely policeman walks the beat…

before long everybody'll know that Fosters club is not the place to go unless you want your head kicking in you will hear a yelp and somebody shouting for help…

Hello, hello, hello, hello, who's down there? who's down there? (x2) in the fisticuffs in Frederick Street I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be, you don't wanna be, we don't wanna be there…

Frankie says that he's got vertigo He says this everytime he leaves the pub, blotto. Backaches, bellyaches, earaches & migrains Frankie's life is misery & full of aches n' pains.

Frankie's got the blues.. Frankie's neurotic, he's always feeling pig sick Frankie's got the blues.. you will have to excuse, Frankie's got the blues

Frankie sneezes once then goes to bed “I've got double pneumonia” Frankie said Frankie lives in the doctors surgery Everytime he has a shave he waits in casualty

Frankie's got the blues.. Frankie's neurotic, he's always feeling pig sick Frankie's got the blues.. you will have to excuse, Frankie's got the blues

“They say I am a hypercondriac”, condriac condriac “But I have got Yellow fever, that's a fact” A blue bottle landed on Frankie's head, Frankie's head… Frankie's head “Right, that's it, I've got Malaria I'll soon be dead”.

Frankie's got the blues.. Frankie's neurotic, he's always feeling pig sick Frankie's got the blues.. you will have to excuse, Frankie's got the blues

He's not a thief or a burglar he never robbed a bank he didn't commit murder all Geordie's bullets were blank

Set Geordie free, coz Geordie's not guilty

He's a good guy the guy they never saw the coppers were mistaken Geordie never broke the law

Set Geordie free, he never shot nobody at all.

Geordie, ooooh he's the inocent party Geordie, ooooh They've locked him away Geordie, ooooh never shot nobody at all Geordie, ooooh Geordie's gone to jail.

He never takes any drugs (only penicilin) when he's got a headache the fingerprint wasn't Geordie's Geordie's never been a villan.

Set Geordie free, he never shot nobody at all.

Geordie, ooooh he's the inocent party Geordie, ooooh They've locked him away Geordie, ooooh never shot nobody at all Geordie, ooooh Geordie's gone to jail.

Geordie's got a pistol it's for self defence but he didn't pull the trigger he commited no offence.

Set Geordie free, he never shot nobody at all. Geordie, ooooh he's the inocent party Geordie, ooooh They've locked him away Geordie, ooooh never shot nobody at all Geordie, ooooh Geordie's gone to jail.

Victory if Glenda she, had a baby, oooeee,

Things were looking gloomy and Glenda she was sad, Kevin had been out with Carol Sands, But Glenda she though surely, It can't be that bad, if I had a baby,

Victory if Glenda she, had a baby, oooeee,

Glenda went round to the doctors the next day, You can't have a baby, that's what he said, Glenda did not give up she's got this book to read, Of how to have a test tube baby….

Victory if Glenda she, had a baby, oooeee,

Glenda's Dad had just died and she was unhappy, If only she could have a baby, So to the disapproval of Kevin and his mam, She signed up for a baby…

Victory if Glenda she, had a baby, oooeee

Harry Cross, Harry Cross he's not a lucky bloke he's always blue what can he do now Edna's had a stroke Harry Cross, Harry Cross she's always in his head Now Edna's kicked the bucket Edna's snuffed it Edna's dead.

9 o'clock the postman knocks but Harry's still in bed “Go away” Harry'll say I've got an aching head don't bother meeeeeee

Ralph's his mate but he can't wait to get out of his way “Go away” Harry'll say I want some peace today don't bother meeeeeee

Harry's full of misery, Harry's always busily permanently down Always being rude with Always in a mood with Raaaaaaaaalph

It's such a task for Ralph to ask to borrow Harry's car Oh “Here's the keys” now get lost please have you gone yet? Tara! don't bother meeeeeeeee

Harry's full of misery, Harry's always busily permanently down Always being rude with Always in a mood with Raaaaaaaaalph

He's always sad n' lonely now Harry's lost his wife coz Edna was the only Lady in his life and now he takes it out on Raaaaaalph.

Harry's full of misery, Harry's always busily permanently down Always being rude with Always in a mood with Raaaaaaaaalph

Harry's hands are hands of mystery Connected to all calamities Harry's hands are hands of mystery They're accused of all burgiaries

Harry's hands ain't what they used to be Harry's hands can't take anymore Harry's hands are hands of honesty It's a tragedy

And nobody understands,that Harry's handcuffed hands falsely accused, He's confused They made Harry's life hell, locked Harry in a cell And put the blame, they put the blame on… Harry's hands oo oo Harry's hands oo oo

Harry's hands ain't what they were before The coppers call Harry a criminal Honest Harry, he never broke the law It's a tragedy

And nobody understands,that Harry's handcuffed hands falsely accused, He's confused They made Harry's life hell, locked Harry in a cell And put the blame, they put the blame on… Harry's hands oo oo Harry's hands oo oo

Judge:“Harold Hands, you are an habitual criminal, I therefore sentence you to 125 years imprisonment”

And nobody understands,that Harry's handcuffed hands falsely accused, He's confused They made Harry's life hell, locked Harry in a cell And put the blame, they put the blame on… Harry's hands oo oo Harry's hands oo oo

Harry's hands oo oo

There's a bloke from Hereford Road who really makes me groan, everyday he's at the door or on the telephone Why can't he just go away and leave me here alone In the pictures in the pub no one can ever know just how much a pest he is he's everywhere I go

It's not fair he's always there everywhere I go Neal's there, how do you deal with dddd deal with it's not fair Neal's everywhere I go It's not fair he's always there everywhere I go Neal's there how do you deal with ddd deal with Neal.

Everyday I cannot eat my grub or drink or sleep everyday Neal pulls up in his car and goes beep beep What am I supposed to do about this bloomin creep everyday I look outside to see if Neal's about everyday he's there without a doubt

And nobody understands,that Harry's handcuffed hands falsely accused, He's confused They made Harry's life hell, locked Harry in a cell And put the blame, they put the blame on… Harry's hands oo oo Harry's hands oo oo

It doesn't matter where I go Neal will be there I know Neal is not a man he's mice I know

Bored at a party Saturday night looking at Tupperware, in came a chick who made me quickly glad I was th there, how could I get the courage to ask her for a date? Twas such a task for me to ask by then it was too late

Howza bouta… Howza Bouta, oooo she drives me crazy howza bouta, howza bouta kiss baby!

Why am I such a whimp I thought a soft and skinny puff For me to ask a kiss from her was difficult & tough Right that's it I decided to confront the lass, I started shakin at the knees & tried to make a pass

Howza bouta… Howza Bouta, oooo she drives me crazy howza bouta, howza bouta kiss baby!

I lose my bottle everytime I see a girl I like I start talkin jibberish & she says “on yer bike” there must be something I can do a kiss would make my day but everytime my gob opens I don't know what to say

Howza bouta… Howza Bouta, oooo she drives me crazy howza bouta, howza bouta kiss baby!

Steve is tender Steve is sweet she'll never let him go Steven made her life complete That's why I hate him so

Would she ever really understand I came to Durham all the way from Sunderland, when I got there I could not believe she'd gone with that trendy creep called Steve

How could she forsake me and see this puff, is it coz of me she's had enough everytime I rang she was not there I'm sorry but she's out, she's out with Steve again somewhere!

She's in love with Steven, Steven gonna get even, gonna get Steven, then she won't love Steven, Steven gonna get eve, gonna get Steve.

Are she and Steve really in love like she says they are or is it just because Steven's dad lends him the car or is it coz I'm ugly and Steven's not or does he have something that I haven't got

She's in love with Steven, Steven gonna get even, gonna get Steven, then she won't love Steven, Steven gonna get eve, gonna get Steve.

I'm gonna make him black & blue I'm gonna kick his head in he won't know what to do

She's in love with Steven, Steven gonna get even, gonna get Steven, then she won't love Steven, Steven gonna get eve, gonna get Steve.

I don't need a doctor, I don't need a drugstore I don't need an injection, I need to put the telly on.

Got me in a cold sweat, I don't need no cigarette Sh sh sh shakin” like a jelly fish, I need a satellite dish

There's no doubt that I miss nowt, a TV I can't do without Anything you get on yer television set I'll watch it…

I'm a telly, I'm a telly,telly I'm addicted Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted (x2)

I like to keep a step ahead, a TV in the garden shed & with a telly in the bog, I never miss the epilogue

Dynasty or Daktari, a broadcast by the Tory party Celebrity squares, blind date, who cares, I'll watch it…

I'm a telly, I'm a telly,telly I'm addicted Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted (x2) It's no surprise I've got square eyes, anyone could predict I'm TV mad, I'm a telly addict!

I'm a man in great pain, the box is on the blink again I don't need no morphine, I need a television screen

Documentaries, there's no degrees, I'll even watch a film if it's in Chinese A speech from the Queen, though I'm not very keen. I'll watch it…

I'm a telly, I'm a telly,telly I'm addicted Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted (x2) Coz I'm addicted

I've got asthma and I can not breath can't breath at all! I've got an inhaler with me I am choking and my face is blue blue and it's getting worse! I think I will have to lie down… coz

I've got ASTHMA yeah I've got ASTHMA yeah I've got ASTHMA…

I've got asthma and I am wheezing wheezing like mad! I don't think I will sleep tonight I think I'll reach for my inhaler Good idea! I hope it makes me feel better… coz

I've got ASTHMA yeah I've got ASTHMA yeah I've got ASTHMA…

My inhaler needs a refill what shall I do? the Chemist is not open yet blue face, can't breath and I'm still wheezing dear me! dear me! I just do not know what to do… coz

I've got ASTHMA yeah I've got ASTHMA yeah I've got ASTHMA…

Ooooh, ooooo She's a fibber she's always telling him lies he can't trust her no matter how he tries she swore to me that I would always be the one then she blew me out she's upt and gone

Will she ever change she won't fib to me again or will she stay the same way as before

I tried tried tried to trust Tracy never trust Tracy.. she's not trustworthy I tried……… you shouldn't trust… you shouldn't trust Tracy.

They both agreed she'll meet him at 9:30 she was not there coz Tracy was with me.

Will she ever change…

I tried tried tried to trust Tracy never trust Tracy.. she's not trustworthy I tried……… you shouldn't trust… you shouldn't trust Tracy.

Guess who's working on the fiddle tell me who works on the fiddle I'll tell you who works on the fiddle oooo ooo Idle gossip guess who's just come off the pill tell me who's come off the pill oooo ooo Idle gossip.

They must be thick, it's everywhere you go it makes me sick, I just don't wanna know about who's in the latest news, oh no.

everybody wants to know the rumours everybody wants to know the scandle Idle, idle,……… gossip.

Guess who can't pay their gas bill tell me who can't pay the bill I'll tell you who can't pay the bill oooo ooo idle gossip guess who I slept with last night tell me where you slept last night oooo ooo idle gossip

everybody wants to know the rumours everybody wants to know the scandle Idle, idle,……… gossip.

Lookin' out a dirty old window, down below the cars in the city go rushing by We sit here with no dosh and wonder why? Should we catch the bus to Newcastle, we can't be bothered with the hassle going down, to search for some bread in this dirty town.

Down down it really is no joke, down town everybody is broke…

We're the kids in tyne & wear wooo (x2) Everybody lives in the hope o' some cash!

Bright light & music gets faster, in the disco we can't afford to have a dance We could never pay two quid, not a chance Pig sick, down the Job Center, much later we will be thinking never mind you know life is cruel, life is never kind.

Find time to earn an extra bob, find time to do a fiddle job.

We're the kids in tyne & wear wooo (x2) Everybody lives in the hope o' some cash! NA NA NA….

Looking round the Metro Centre, gotta get a brand new experience feeling rich We can't stop, we're skint and we've got the itch. Sunderland South Shields & Gateshead, not a bleedin' chance to make bread anywhere, We don't want to go baby.

Whitley bay across to cumbria, you'll be broke if you come 'ere.

Give'z the money Peter Practice says to us give'z the money quickly don't make a fuss give'z the money…. Pete takes the pop groups he'll even take the trash but if you practice at Peter's place you must have plenty cash

give Pete the money the he'll let you have the key give Pete the money then you can practice free it's icey cold in Peter's place but don't switch on the heater coz you'll end up putting 10 quid in Pete's electric meter.

Do you want some crisps and pop? they're all on sale at Pete's tuck shop we will have to put a stop to Peter

we all give Peter the money we've all been nway we all give Peter the money now give'z the cash give'z the bread give'z the money money's gone to Peter's head.

if you are stuck Pete will lend you an amplifier but when it's time to go he'll say five pound hire

Do you want some crisps and pop?…

we all give Peter the money we've all been nway we all give Peter the money now give'z the cash give'z the bread give'z the money money's gone to Peter's head.

All the pop groups are nearly broke this has gone far beyond the joke Peter Practice is a rich bloke now

My name is Bond! James Bond.

James Bond lives down our street I've seen him he catches the 32 bus James Bond lives down our street sometimes he sits on the back seat with us he's got a gun strapped to his chest you can't shoot him in a bullet proof vest a clever lad but can be a pest sometime

0.0.7. James Bond lives down our street Jimmy's a spy but both you and I know Sean Connery or Roger Moore, that I'm not quite sure But what I know is James Bond… lives down our street

James Bond lives down our street sometimes he gets a helicopter to work Jamoes Bond lives down our street me dad's oldfashioned and he says he's a jerk he's always chasing a heavy mob he should go out and get a proper job he should go out and get a proper job sometime

0.0.7. James Bond lives down our street Jimmy's a spy but both you and I know Sean Connery or Roger Moore, that I'm not quite sure But what I know is James Bond… lives down our street

Down our street there lives a spy says he works for M.I. 5 he's always a star when you're having a party says he went to school with Russel Harty he's a real smarty he is a real smarty.

My hair is Blonde! dyed blonde!

Keith works every night & day honesty's his goal but Keith's a thief coz he's still claiming dole what a fiddler Keith is he thinks he won't be caught but Keith is gonna end up in court the SS men will knock on the door and Keith won't be working no more

Keith Keith Keith's a thief…

he's making money on the sly which he does not declare no invoices or reciepts anywhere locked in the room with the C.I.D. rather you Keith than me…

Keith Keith Keith's a thief…

Keith is Keith is Keith's a thief a rip off and a con Keith is Keith is Keith's a thief and he's still signing on Keith is Keith is Keith's still signing on

I'm not decietful he does say I tell them all the facts but Keith's a thief coz he dodges the tax The PH team will get Keith coz will all know that Keith's a thief

I'm always felling lonely I'm always feeling blue she was the one and only she said sheloved me too but now she's gone and left me just like they always do now I'm always full of misery I don't know what to do

I'm always on a downer I should be feeling fine I'm never on a upper I need a swig o' wine

Now he's always dizzy coz he's busy with fizzy Lambrusco

I'm getting fat and lazy I always look a mess I need a little drinky poos to bring me happiness

So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff a Lambrusco kids a kid with sesne he's always at the Off Liscence with me…

Now we've found the answer to stop you geelin low a bottle of fizzy wine they call it Lambrusco

I'm always feeling lousy but I know that when I've had a glass o'Lamby I'll be smiling again

So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff…

Now we've found the answer to stop you geelin low a bottle of fizzy wine they call it Lambrusco

That's what they call me, Lambrusco Kid That's what they call me, I'm the Lambrusco Kid

I'm such a misery guts I'm dirty and I stink I've always got a pet lip I need another drink.

So give him a bottle of that fizzy stuff…

Now we've found the answer to stop you geelin low a bottle of fizzy wine they call it Lambrusco

Wouldn't it be nice to get on with my neighbours But they make it very clear they've got no room for ravers

Lazy sunday afternoon I got no time to worry I close my eyes & drift away

Here we all are sittin' in a rainbow Cor blimy 'Allo Mrs. Jones, how's your Berts lumbago'

Diddly may…

I'll sing you a song with no words & no tune Sing in your party while you suss out the moon

Lazy sunday afternoon I got no time to worry I close my eyes & drift away

…Quiet passage

Roody Doody do, Roody doody di day Roody Doody dum a Reedy deedy do dee

There's no one to hear me, there's nothing to say & no one can stop me from feeling this way

Lazy sunday afternoon I got no time to worry I close my eyes & drift away

…Lazy sunday afternoon…

Nobby was a soldier, a life in the Army Margarets back home alone waiting suspiciously She can't hide the misery, the upset & despair When she found out Nobby had been having it off elsewhere There's Eric & there's Robby & there's Derrick & there's Bobby They gave her the elbow There's Harry & there's Willy & there's Barry & there's Billy also

Whose that then?

Woe is me, I'm melancholy Margaret, I fret coz they leave me God help me I'm melancholy. Snurree?!

Tommy was a driver he worked on the buses “I've got some overtime to do” this is what he says But Margaret wasn't having it, she searched high & low But Tommy's gone he's neckin' on in the back of the bus depot

There's Ronnie & there's Kenny & there's Donny & there's Denny they gave her the elbow. There's Ronnie & there's Timmy & there's Micky & there's Jimmy also

Whose that then?

Woe is me, I'm melancholy Margaret, I fret coz they leave me God help me I'm melancholy. Snurree?! (x2)

If you hoo hoo want a lesson or two, take a hint you'll pay a mint at… Modern School, Modern School, they always say you are doing okay, it's not true…

Come on everybody sing Modern School of Motoring, the best place to go if you want to crash, you will never pass your test, they say you will but it's a jest, Modern School just wants your cash.

Out on the road, don't use the highway code, not with us it's too much fuss at… Modern School, Modern School, Jump in and drive you're lucky to be alive, when it's through…

Come on everybody sing Modern School of Motoring, the best place to go if you want to crash, you will never pass your test, they say you will but it's a jest, Modern School just wants your cash.

When the test day, comes around they will say, just stay cool, that's the rule of, Modern School, Modern School, then when you fail, they will say next time you'll sail, right through…

Come on everybody sing Modern School of Motoring, the best place to go if you want to crash, you will never pass your test, they say you will but it's a jest, Modern School just wants your cash.

God help me what can I do, my girlfriend's dad is a Vicar boo hoo, and he won't let me be alone with you, oh he's a Vicar and there's nothing I can do

God help him what can he do, his girlfriend's dad is a Vicar boo hoo, and he won't let him be alone with you, oh he's a Vicar and there's nothing he can do.

I couldn't wait for my blind date, I did not sleep that night could I catch th perfect match, would she be Mrs Right!? A quiet lass so middle class, dignified, meek & mild? I faced the wrath of a Psychopath & a woman that went wild

Before too long it all went wrong, she wern't the one for me But I was trapped when I got slapped by a raving loony She got mean, she caused a scene, I said “You're not my type” But I gave in, how could I win? As she threw another swipe…ferocoiusly

My wife's a psychopath. Throws a fit then she hides in the bathroom My wife's a psychopath.Aooeee My wife's a psychopath.Always on the warpath After me, mentally deranged!

I'm black & blue, I said “We're through” I'm cuts n'scrapes n'scars She clenched her fist, I ducked, she missed, so I kicked her up the arse! She yelled & squealed as I revealed I had learnt some self defence I smashed her face in, just incase, coz I hate violence…it's not for me

My wife's a psychopath. Throws a fit then she hides in the bathroom My wife's a psychopath.Aooeee My wife's a psychopath.Always on the warpath After me, mentally deranged!

Psycho…Psycho…she's a bleedin' Psycho…

To Bombay a travelling circus came, they brought an inteligent elephant and Nellie was her name One dark night she slipped her iron chain and off she ran to Hindustan ans was never seen again.. oooooo

Nellie the elephant pack her trunk and said goodbye to the circus Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump. New Nellie the elephant packed her trunk and trundled off to the jungle Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump.

..The head of the herd was calling far far away They met one night in the silver light on the road to Mandalay… Night by night she danced to the circus band When Nelli was leading the big parade she looked so proud and grand No more tricks for Nellie to perform They taught her how to take a bow and she took the crowd by storm.. oooooooooooo

We all believed that Neville was a f f f fine lad but when we go to know him better Neville drove us mad. Neville is a bighead Neville is a pain Neville is a pratt without a brain

What a wally, what a burk he sticks out like a sore thumb he's a wally, he's a jerk nobody can be as dumb

Neville's a hopeless case he can never pull a bird Neville's thick and he's got a pig face Neville is a nutter, Neville is nerd oh Neville is a nutter, Neville is…. Neville is a nerd. Neville gets on your wick Neville is a moron Neville makes you sick oh Neville is a Neville is a nerd

Oh Neville's wearing Aramus and a little touch of Brut, he thinks he will pick up a chick in his white trendy suit, sunglasses in the disco Nev can't see too clear he's such a burk, he trips and spills his beer What a wally, what a burk he sticks out like a sore thumb he's a wally, he's a jerk nobody can be as dumb

Neville's nice to all the girls but it's just a bluff Neville thinks he's Jack the lad but he's just a trendy puff. He says he's been to Tenerife and he knows Simon le Bon, but it's a codswallop coz Neville is a con What a wally, what a burk he sticks out like a sore thumb he's a wally, he's a jerk nobody can be as dumb

If you can't afford to spend a lot and you're sick of the cost of livin, you've got to do something but you dunno what, just look what Fine Fare's givin, prices that please you and me it's cheaper than a Pakistani shop oh now you know the place to go to make you smile and grin, so take a dare come to Fine Fare and get your shoppin in

We've got the store, nowt can compare, We've got the store for you. We've got the store, Sunderland's Fine Fare, We've got the store for you This is the store for you..

Oh Prestos, Tescos, Asda Price they're all so cccrap the Fine Fare boys are much more nice coz Fine Fare's got more class. You'll save much more at the Fine Fare store coz Fine Fare's fair to you

Oh now you know the place to go… We've got the store, nowt can compare, We've got the store for you. We've got the store, Sunderland's Fine Fare, We've got the store for you This is the store for you..

We had to book a holiday, but we were sick o'Whitley bay We fancied the Mediterranean. All the vacancies had gone, that's all the vacancies but one A Vacancy for which we didn't plan.

What could we do? we could hitch, a ride back home from moskvitch We had to stay & face the cost & sunbathe in the russian frost.

One one one ONE NIGHT IN MOSCOW, & WE'LL BE RUSSIAN HOME One one one ONE NIGHT IN MOSCOW I'll be Russian, YOU'LL BE RUSSIAN, WE'LL ALL BE RUSSIAN HOME

The brochure said it's nice & warm, you need no Russian uniform We had the flu & caught a Russian cough, No fish n'chips or decent pubs, We called the hotel Wormwood Scrubs We said we would complain to Gorbochof.

We couldn't find a disco anywhere, no mcdonalds or a wimpy in red square We must have been potty to have gone to the soviet union.

One one one ONE NIGHT IN MOSCOW, & WE'LL BE RUSSIAN HOME One one one ONE NIGHT IN MOSCOW I'll be Russian, YOU'LL BE RUSSIAN, WE'LL ALL BE RUSSIAN HOME

For a pint & Coronation Street…RUSSIAN HOME A Bacon Sarny & as much as we can eat

RUSSIAN HOME…

Oh sittin in the Taxi rank in Park Lane in comes a trendy geazer with no brain, and staring at a punk who was a good mate, I said lets make a move but it was too late

Up goes a shout, a rumble in the crowd a fight breaks out, someone starts clouting me, call in the Army oooh call in the Army call in the Army oooh call in the Army…

The Park Lane punch up escalates somebody's teeth have gone it's too much for the coppers there's a RIOT going on, so call in the Army, call in the Army…

Park Lane quickly turns into a bloothbath a disco boy lies unconcious on the red path, Coppers helmets knocked off in the gutter all because of a trendy towny nutter

Up goes a shout, a rumble in the crowd a fight breaks out, someone starts clouting me, call in the Army oooh call in the Army call in the Army oooh call in the Army…

Stoker is a boy in blue and he must be the worst He's a copper! Stoker someday he'll get you but you won't be the first he's a copper he's a police constable that makes us feel uncomfortable he's a copper no more football in the street or neckin with your girlfriend Stoker's on the beat again…

He's a Bobby he's a joker he's a Bobby we want dead he's a Bobby, P.C. Stoker why can't we have a decent copper proper copper instead?

Stoker loves to see a fight he really goes to town he's a copper Stoker's smiling with delight he's took somebody down he's a copper he'll prove you guilty in the court you'll wish that you had never fought a copper don't cry or shout or scream or yell there's nothing you can do when Stoker's in the cell with you

He's a Bobby he's a joker he's a Bobby we want dead he's a Bobby, P.C. Stoker why can't we have a decent copper proper copper instead?

The United Team supporters have invaded the pitch that's P.C. Stoker's quaters so he finds his talky switch I need some help down here boys there's punks and skinheads too and we all hate P.C. Stoker & we hate the boys in blue.

Stoker's rather fed up coz there's no one else to nick he's a copper someone soon will kick his head in just you wait n'see it needs somebody tough coz we've all had enough yes it needs somebody tough but I think it won't be me

He's a Bobby he's a joker he's a Bobby we want dead he's a Bobby, P.C. Stoker why can't we have a decent copper proper copper instead?

When I met you, I thought how sweet, My lonely life would now be complete If only I knew, have I no brain? You're a two faced tramp, driving me insane.

Dearest darling, I leave this note for you A love letter with sincerity Dearest darling, I leave this note for you Get out o'my life, get out o'my life Coz I…loathe you

You smiled at me, she smiled at him My heart melted, his heart melted This was the real thing, this was the real thing I'm besotted, he's besotted What a nincompoop, you're the devil in a frock I'm a naive nugget, and you made me a laughing stock

Dearest darling, I leave this note for you A love letter with sincerity Dearest darling, I leave this note for you Get out o'my life, get out o'my life Coz I…loathe you (x2)

I felt like a snack in the middle of the night I crept down stairs for a nibble and a bite, ooee ooee A crash beyond the kitchen door Told me that it was back for more, ooee ooee

You might o' guessed, I am possessed I really must insist May I suggest invest in an exorcist.

Help me, oo ee oo ee, believe me geist ooo ooo poltergeist ooo ooo where's he?… in the pantry.

I went goose pimplyfied No where to run, no where to hide, for me I was sceptical before But a pantry poltergeist I saw here to stay.

Help me, oo ee oo ee, believe me geist ooo ooo poltergeist ooo ooo where's he?… in the pantry.

You might o' guessed, I am possessed I really must insist May I suggest invest in an exorcist.

Help me, oo ee oo ee, believe me geist ooo ooo poltergeist ooo ooo where's he?… in the pantry.

There was Davey, there was Davey, There was Davey, Happy Davey His girlfriend's gone, his girlfriend's gone away, ay ay ay ay… All he wants is a room with the stars looking down across Davey, The sun and the moon and the sky high are just fine for poor Davey, There's nothing left, there's nothing left, There's nothing left to see for poor Davey… He wants to be, he wants to be, He wants to be alone… Why did she love him so? Why did she have to go? Poor Davey doesn't know, now Davey's all alone… She did upset, she did upset, She did upset Davey, Davey, Davey, He won't forget, he won't forget, not Davey…

The Gas supply has been cut off, the tele's on the blink Billy stinks, he drinks & spews up in the kitchen sink He's sick of his bleedin' life, & he's gonna smack the wife in the jaw Billy Mrs cleans and scrubs while Billy's down the boozer But she's had a belly full now Billy's gonna lose her She's in her dressing gown, Billy's breaking down the bedroom door

POT… POT BELLY BILL A Big fat dirty lout A pig & a layabout POT… POT BELLY BILL A fowl gob that's never shut A fat slob with a beer gut. POT POT POT BELLY BILL

He's such a hog at tea time, he shovels down his grub He burps & makes rude noises, then he nicks off down the pub Between you & me, & Billy's Mrs will agree, he's a swine

POT… POT BELLY BILL A Big fat dirty lout A pig & a layabout POT… POT BELLY BILL A fowl gob that's never shut A fat slob with a beer gut. POT POT POT BELLY BILL

It's closing time at the local, & he stumbles out the bar The drunken lump forgets to switch the lights on in his car But Billy is a darer, he did not see the Sierra round the bend. 1/2 an hour latter Billy's hospitalised, “Tell the wife to bring some cans in with the grapes” He cries. But she's seen the light, she said “Serve the fat slob right, I hope he DIES”

POT… POT BELLY BILL A Big fat dirty lout A pig & a layabout POT… POT BELLY BILL A fowl gob that's never shut A fat slob with a beer gut. POT POT POT BELLY BILL

I would rather be Percy, rather than me I wanna be Percy I would rather be Percy, rather than me

Percy's got more money, more money than me I wish I could be Percy I would rather be Percy rather than me…Rather than me…

We wanna be, wanna be wanna be We all wanna be you We all wanna be, wanna be wanna be Percy we wanna be you

Percy says that he's no more lucky than me How can he be serious Percy is more lucky, more lucky than me

Percy's got more girlies, more girlies than me I'm full o'jealousy He could spare a girlie, one girlie for me…girlie for me…

We wanna be, wanna be wanna be We all wanna be you We all wanna be, wanna be wanna be Percy we wanna be you

He wins when he bets on the bandit, He spends all night in the bingo hall He's lucky in the bookies, & you'll always hear him call…house

We wanna be, wanna be wanna be We all wanna be you We all wanna be, wanna be wanna be Percy we wanna be you (x2)

She was at a party I was stuck at home I was not invited so she went on her own I will not be long now this is what she said I'm stood waiting for her I must be off my head

Queen Alexandra Road is where she said she'd be But was she there to meet me? No chance. I was going to land her a thump when I see her you see She's forgotten about me.

It was well past midnight she still dug the groove I just stood there freezing I couldn't even move She will soon get sick now want to go back home There was no sign of her I should have known

Queen Alexandra Road is where she said she'd be But was she there to meet me? No chance. I was going to land her a thump when I see her you see She's forgotten about me.

Oh riganortis set in, I was a block of ice I'de even missed the late film starring VincentPrice Two o'clock she turned up, have you been waiting long? She looked into my eyes sweetly, I said not that long…

Oh quarter to five we were barely alive we were hungry, three weeks we've been together through wet and rainy weather, we were c, c, c, cold, oh out on the trek of a hotel to check in that night but we knew we'de done wrong from the stink and the pong & the feeling that something wasn't right…

We were quick quick quick, ooooh, oooh Hotel Quentin Hotel Hell we were quick to quit the Quentin A place you shouldn't have went in we were quick quick quick, ooooh, oooh, it's crap here we could tell, we were quick to quit the Quentin a night we should have spent in another Hotel.

That evening we felt bad twas the dinner that we had, at Hotel Quentin… at the breakfast we won't show up, coz we don't want to throw up anymore, and we knew we'de done wrong from the stink and the pong & the feeling that something wasn't right… We were quick quick quick, ooooh, oooh Hotel Quentin Hotel Hell we were quick to quit the Quentin A place you shouldn't have went in we were quick quick quick, ooooh, oooh, it's crap here we could tell, we were quick to quit the Quentin a night we should have spent in another Hotel.

on your honeymoon or on your holiday, you're gonna need a place to stay take our advice the Quentin is not nice, if you see the Hotel Quentin stay away… We were quick quick quick, ooooh, oooh Hotel Quentin Hotel Hell we were quick to quit the Quentin A place you shouldn't have went in we were quick quick quick, ooooh, oooh, it's crap here we could tell, we were quick to quit the Quentin a night we should have spent in another Hotel.

Rodney remember me, Rodney remember me…. She haunts Rodney's memory

Rodney gave Sheila a slap when she begged him not to drink “Mind yer own damn bussiness” Rodney snarled, he didn't think Now everything from then is blurred but Rodney can't forget those words She cried….

Rodney remember me, Rodney remember me…. She haunts Rodney's memory

Now Rodney was a slob, he treat Sheila just like muck “Move yourself” he growled and dragged her to his pick-up truck He looped the loop in a drunken stuper down the mountain side When Sheila cried…..

Rodney remember me, Rodney remember me…. She haunts Rodney's memory

OH! Rodney took her in his arms and through the broken glass He climbed out of the wreckage & he lay her on the grass He had too many beers, but he couldn't hide the tears When Sheila cried…..

Rodney remember me, Rodney remember me…. She haunts Rodney's memory

Na na na

D-D's got a horses head, enough to make yer sick How could Ron Dixon have wed Red Rum with lipstick The most repulsive sight on earth, to ugly to discuss How could anyone give birth to a bird so hideous

Ron Dixon, Ron Dixon he, Ron Dixon he, dumped D-D (x2) D-D she could not believe when Bev got the hots for Ron But D-D Ronny did deceive, deceitful Ron Dixon The chance that Ron had waited for, he gave D-D the push This was the last time Ronny saw D-D's monstrous mush

Ron Dixon, Ron Dixon he, Ron Dixon he, dumped D-D (x2)

Ron Dixon he dumped D-D…D-D

Every night I know that she goes to Finos, and every night I know that she see's him Every night she holds him tight at Finos and everynight it's alright for him…

and she goes… La la la la la la la to Finos yes she goes… la la la la la la la with him, and she goes… La la la la la la la to Finos yes she goes… la la la la la la la…

Every night I try to get into Finos and every night they just won't let me in, and everynight I watch him meet her at Finos and every night it's alright for him…

and she goes… La la la la la la la to Finos yes she goes… la la la la la la la with him, and she goes… La la la la la la la to Finos yes she goes… la la la la la la la…

One of these nights I'm gonna get into Finos and one of this nights I'm gonna make her see me, and every night I'm gonna get into Finos and everynight will be alright for me…

and she goes… La la la la la la la to Finos yes she goes… la la la la la la la with him, and she goes… La la la la la la la to Finos yes she goes… la la la la la la la…

She's a worky ticket I bought her a King cone and she woudn't lick it she wanted the chocolate one but when I got there they'd all gone.

yeah she's a worky ticket everywhere we go Worky ticket leaves me standing in the rain and freezin in the snow Worky ticket everywhere we go Worky ticket, worky ticket…

sent me up the pub for 20 L and B but when I got back all she did was yell at me she was sittin watchin Charles Dichens on the box what's that funny smell ya better go and wash yer socks I couldn't bear it could not take it any more grabbed me coat and me hat and slipped out of the door

yeah she's a worky ticket everywhere we go Worky ticket leaves me standing in the rain and freezin in the snow Worky ticket everywhere we go Worky ticket, worky ticket…

She's a little worky ticket I bought her a watch and she wouldn't fit it I fixed if meself, it smashed upon the shelf It doesn't fit, never mind…

yeah she's a worky ticket everywhere we go Worky ticket leaves me standing in the rain and freezin in the snow Worky ticket everywhere we go Worky ticket, worky ticket…

Billy's confused he's been abused, Billy's bemused with Barbara, she went with Billy but he's so silly she's finished with him now. All the wedding plans have gone down the drain will Billy ever see Babs again?

He's a silly Billy, why can't Billy not see? that Babs is just a slag she's a dirty bag she just wants his willy but poor Billy can't see that she's a trollop & he's a silly Billy

Babs is back she's got the knack knows how to wrap him round her finger her little finger a kiss and a cuddle now Billy's in a muddle coz Babs has gone again

Now what's gonna happen to the honeymoon? Babs has gone & Billy's been a goon.

He's a silly Billy, why can't Billy not see? that Babs is just a slag she's a dirty bag she just wants his willy but poor Billy can't see that she's a trollop & he's a silly Billy

I was getting dressed late one night along came a spider and I got a fright oh I could not squash it flat No matter how I tried, And when it looked me in the eye I ran away to hide…

I put on me Doctor Martin shoes A battle with the spider that I wasn't gonna loose A kick from the left a kick from the right I was on the floor but I was alright It was gonna be a long long night

Spiders in the dressing room Spiders everywhere Spider in the dressing room beware (repeat twice)

Things were getting hot and I had to take a chance The spider got impatient Started crawling up me pants I shook it off me legthump it hit the ground Everything was silent so I didn't make a sound I crossed the room as happy as can be I had killed the spider now it couldn't bother me But with me arm on the light He was there ready for a fight It was gonna be a long long night.

Spiders in the dressing room Spiders everywhere Spider in the dressing room beware (x2)

It was getting late and the spider wasn't dead An audience had gathered round AndI was going red I put a jam jar on the floor the spider crawled inside it I screwed the lid back on the top And threw the jar outside At a party late that night Everything was bright and gay We played all our pop records and danced the night away, Early in the morning came a knocking at the door I opened it slowly guess what I saw It was gonna be a long long night…

Spiders in the dressing room Spiders everywhere Spider in the dressing room beware (x4)

Rant n' rave, don't give a toss, show the snobs next who's boss Turn the volume to size ten, they 'll never speak to you again Sod the Sod the Sod the (x2)

Sod the neighbours, we're not proud, turn it up loud, turn it up loud Sod the neighbours, don't pack it in, drive “em mad with the bleedin' din

Party all night, don't care less, show them that you mean business Scream, cause turmoil & get yer neighbours blood to boil!

Sod the neighbours, we're not proud, turn it up loud, turn it up loud Sod the neighbours, don't pack it in, drive “em mad with the bleedin' din (x2)

Things do go wrong, it's not long since I've been blue, But I know the remedy, I can see just what to do…

Don't be a coward, don't be yellow, It always pays to be mellow, Stay cool, stay free and then you will see, It's best to stay mellow…

I was upset and in debt with no money, But I did not stay sad, it's not that bad, so remember…

Oh if you are down in the town with no bus fare, Start walking and smile, in a while you'll be back home…

Everybody says I'm a gully ully ullible guy Everybody sniggers & laughs when they pass by A love sick nut easily misled He's always infatuated Birds all do with me just as they please & they all say I'm a cissy with weak knees

Everybody knows…

Mug I'm a mug I've been taken for a mug again Mug he's a mug he's been taken for a ride Mug I'm a mug I've been taken for a mug again Taken taken taken taken taken taken taken for a ride

I let womaen walk all over me I should tell them nick off politely A spineless sucker with no back bone He ain't got no mind of his own A soft touch, I am far too long to trick me

Mug I'm a mug I've been taken for a mug again Mug he's a mug he's been taken for a ride Mug I'm a mug I've been taken for a mug again Taken taken taken taken taken taken taken for a ride

I'm too vulnerable my mates say A dimwit any dame can lead astray, ay

Everybody knows…

Mug I'm a mug I've been taken for a mug again Mug he's a mug he's been taken for a ride Mug I'm a mug I've been taken for a mug again Taken taken taken taken taken taken taken for a ride (x2)

He's been taken for a mug

Terry is a recluse, he's a misfit Terry never goes out, he's a hermit

A lonely lonely dude Terry won't answer the phone or the door & we don't see Terry no more

No-one can contact Terry anymore A life of solitude

Hello…. this is Terry talking Terry talking, talking all alone Hello… this is Terry Talking on the answer phone… Terry's not at home

Terry is a plonker, Terry is a nut Locked in the house with the curtains shut

No-one can contact Terry…

Hello…. this is Terry talking Terry talking, talking all alone Hello… this is Terry Talking on the answer phone… Terry's not at home (x2)

I didn't have a spin dryer so I had to go he didn't have a spin dryer so he had to go with his dirty socks and undies o, o, o, o, oh to the cleaners on the corner, but how was I to know they'de be more dirty at 3:30 oooooh

Rub a dub a dub dub we wash and scrub we wash your laundry, Rub a dub a dub dub we wash your laundry.. They say my clothes are cleaner but I'm not a lunatic they should be shot they have not got Per-sil Auto-matic Rub a dub a dub rub a dub a dub dub…

So many things go missing at the Ashbrooke Launderette so many things go missing at the Ashbrooke Launderette the clothes that you have left dirty and wet So if you want some washing done d, d, d, d, don't forget, you'll suffer at the Ashbrooke Lauderette… Rub a dub a dub dub we wash and scrub we wash your laundry, Rub a dub a dub dub we wash your laundry.. They say my clothes are cleaner but I'm not a lunatic they should be shot they have not got Per-sil Auto-matic Rub a dub a dub rub a dub a dub dub…

You'll stink, your clothes shrink your white'sll be as black as ink your best red jumper turns to pink all crumpled up and wet We've been, have you been to get your dirty washing clean Are you clean you couldn't have been to the Ashbrooke Launderette…

I'd have a hysterectomy, I'd have a blood transfusion I'd even have a vasectomy, with no trousers on Spend a month in the infirmary, operate on me night & day But my dentures disappear everytime I hear them say Psycho, psychosurgery

Let me out, Let me out Dumped in the dentists chair Psyiiicho surgery, psiiicho surgery Let me out, Let me out I'm in agony, I must be dumb, I should'na come To the psychosurger, psychosurgery

I'd have a leg amputated, you can pull my appendix out Fix a foot that's dislocated, I'll say I felt nowt Acupuncture ain't no problem, bravery's my middle name But I just can't face that lang filling place again Psycho, psychosurgery

Let me out, Let me out Dumped in the dentists chair Psyiiicho surgery, psiiicho surgery Let me out, Let me out I'm in agony, I must be dumb, I should'na come To the psychosurger, psychosurgery

I'll never set foot down that dental nutters lane…again

Let me out, Let me out Dumped in the dentists chair Psyiiicho surgery, psiiicho surgery Let me out, Let me out I'm in agony, I must be dumb, I should'na come To the psychosurger, psychosurgery …Let me out

The grub was vile, we couldn't crack a smile We paid twenty smackers just to sail up the Nile It cos ten quid.. To get stuck inside a pppppyramid.

I'd rather be in Hawaii, cleethorpes or southend You won't catch us on the Egypt bus again again again.

The… Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks They do not care on Egypt air Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks In CAI I I I RO The Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks You will get ripped off in Egypt oh!

The hotel room filled us with gloom We should o' spent the night in a mummy's tomb A camel ride… Another ten smackers and a numb backside.

I'd rather be… The… Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks They do not care on Egypt air Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks In CAI I I I RO The Sphinx stinks, Sphinx stinks You will get ripped off in Egypt oh! (x2)

I'd walk across the M.1. I'd trek through the Amazon I'D BE A SPANISH MATADOR, NOWT WOULD BE TOO RISKY FOR ME I'd loop the loop in a Jumbo I'd box with Frankie Bruno I could do anything, dance in a lions den But i'm never gonna walk up Elmwood Street again

There's a slag, there's a trollop up Elmwood Street A man's not safe to walk up there alone A dirty bag, there's a trollop up Elmwood Street There's a tart, bag, slut, slag, trollop, up Elmwood Street

I'd fence with a sword that was blunt I'd hitch a lift from James Hunt I could do anything….

There's a slag, there's a trollop up Elmwood Street A man's not safe to walk up there alone A dirty bag, there's a trollop up Elmwood Street There's a tart, bag, slut, slag, trollop, up Elmwood Street (x2) …Say no more.

Hey! hey! hey! hey! There's a motor store at the top of Hylton Road you go there for for little bits n pieces for your car and in the office there sits a secretary she's got Long blonde hair, Mr Tommy Kowey fancies her…

I saw her in Tommy Kowey's car (x2) in Tommy Kowey's car.

At the motor store he was there last Tuesday night with her I saw, they were kissin at the factory door but she still tells me, there is nothing going on with us you see it was Tommy Kowey's wife you saw…

I saw her in Tommy Kowey's car (x2) in Tommy Kowey's car.

At the motor store Mr Tommy Koweys gotta Jag-U-Ar she's never been in it she says before but now she tells lies, she was havin dinner out the other night and she went in Tommy Kowey's car…

I saw her in Tommy Kowey's car (x2) in Tommy Kowey's car.

I've got a little brother his christian name is Sid, Ever since he saw the turtles he's flipped his lid. He's always scoffing pizzas just like Leonardo, Donatello Raphael and Michaelangelo

Turtles, Turtles…

He loves the Teenage Turtles he's collecting all their stuff, T-shirts, books and badges he can never get enough. Spending every penny on all that he can find If it has a turtle on, he's going out of his mind….

Turtle crazy, he's turtle mad, The turtles they have taken away the little bit sense he had, In a turtle outfit you really have to laugh, He wears it every night and day and even in the bath.

He's acting like a madman, he's acting like a clown, The Teenage Mutant Turtles are coming to our town. He bought a plastic Turtle to keep up with the trend, He dropped it down the toilet now he's going round the bend….

Tutles on his dressing gown and on the bedroom wall, Turtles on his vest and his underpants and all….

Turtle crazy, he's turtle mad, The turtles they have taken away the little bit sense he had, In a turtle outfit you really have to laugh, He wears it every night and day and even in the bath.

Turtle crazy, he's Turtle mad, The turtles they have taken away the little bit sense he had. In a turtle outfit you really have to laugh, He wears it every night and day and even in the bath….

All our mates that we once knew said they were happy, Always shouting in the street, just like you and me, Always finding laughter, fun and games to play, They of course have to agree, Suddenly they were swept off their feet and gone, They don't know what hit them, Just like the rest, the girlfriends got the best, And so the story just goes on…

They all get washed for them, even have a bath, But they are now being led, up the garden path…

I was sitting in the sun reading the days press, A boy that I once knew was in, I've never seen such a mess Smiling with a moustache, a suit, a shirt and tie, He had just been wed today, I could not help but laugh, what's got into him? He looks about fourty, He's been such a nit, now he's in for it, And soon you'll hear him say…

They all get washed for them, even have a bath, But they are now being led, up the garden path…

I was lying on the beach licking cool ice cream, A man, a wife and a pram went by, it was like a dream, He was climbing apple trees just a moon ago, The kind of bloke you think, won't grow, His face is like a fiddle now, long and sad and blue, He still says he's happy, He must have gone mad, cos he's not the lad, That I once used to know…

They all get washed for them, even have a bath, But they are now being led, up the garden path…

Insanity is everywhere, it's a pity it's everywhere we go… we're mad John, sirens are wailing everywhere, wars underway…

Down comes a bomb from the sky to the ground, the score's two one it's the enemy's round, but we'll all be dead coz the whole world's gone… HELLBOUND!

We're Mad… ca ca ca crazee, We're Mad… la la la looneys too, We're Mad… ca ca ca crazee, Ca ca ca crazee now… Lookout!

Ten thousand soldiers everywhere, guns on their shoulders everywhere they go… they're mad John! always a battle everywhere, madness again Hey!

The wives back home looking after baby, cry when they see that on the T.V. their love's been shot, but tonight they made, HISTORY…

We're Mad… ca ca ca crazee, We're Mad… la la la looneys too, We're Mad… ca ca ca crazee, Ca ca ca crazee now… Lookout!

Down comes a bomb from the sky to the ground, the score's two one it's the enemy's round, but we'll all be dead coz the whole world's gone… HELLBOUND!

We're Mad… ca ca ca crazee, We're Mad… la la la looneys too, We're Mad… ca ca ca crazee, Ca ca ca crazee now… Lookout!

We are mad it's clear again, that it will always be the same, it's a fact but really is a shame, that we're Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad………….

We fight fot the Queen & country & we're back here again Over the hills to the battlefield 10 thousand marching men We never say surrender butnow we must admit Shove the rotten regement we're off on a moonlight flit

Ho tally ho! the battle cry oh! we're off down the pub Ho tally ho! a pint & decent grub.

Down in the valley we can see The men marching for victory We'll skip the blood on the battlefield Stuuf all the bravery… coz we quit the cavalry.

We're shot injured & wounded, they call us men of war It's too noisy & dirty & we can't take no more No bath or battlefield shower & people say we're brave But now we're gonna do a bunk for a decent wash n' shave

HO TALLY HO!…. Down in the valley we can see The men marching for victory We'll skip the blood on the battlefield Stuuf all the bravery… coz we quit the cavalry.

Shoot don't shoot This is not the life for me Shoot don't shoot It's not my cup o' tea.

HO TALLY HO!…. Down in the valley we can see The men marching for victory We'll skip the blood on the battlefield Stuuf all the bravery… coz we quit the cavalry.

It's not the first time somebody has ahd the flu, Remember when you had toothache… A hot lemsip will help the sneezing so, You will have to stay happy…

Remember… Worse things happen at sea, Keep dreaming of better days… (x2)

I know it's crap when there's something in your eye, Think yourself lucky you've not got a bad back, It's pretty sore when you have a mouth ulcer, But you have got to stay happy…

Remember… Worse things happen at sea, Keep dreaming of better days… (x2)

I know it's sad when your face is acne, But don't be put off by some yellow spots, So you got a toe nailthat his growing in, You have got to stay happy…

Yellow burt, the softest copper round 'ere Yellow burt, a coward, a whimp, that's clear Are your p.c. friends on the beat again That is very sad, makes me feel so bad Knock his helmet off, kick n' slap the puff He's a yellow belly Burt's a bleedin' softy… (x2)

Oh I never sneeze when you're around, and you never think I have a cold, but when I'm all alone I I Ityshoo I need, you and a box of handkerchiefs…

My nose never runs when you're around, and you never think I have the flu, but when I really do I I Ityshoo I need, you and a box of handkerchiefs…

I catch a cold easy when I'm feeling sneezy, what I really need's a box of handkerchiefs to please me It's you I need, you and a box of handkerchiefs…

Everytime I go out I get the flu, I'm okay one minute then I start sneezing again, I sneeze here I sneeze there I'm always sneezing everywhere…

Oh I never sniff when you're around, and you never think I'm really ill, oh but I tell you still I I Ityshoo I need, you and a box of handkerchiefs.

An ad on the tele put a lump in my belly sail with the North Sea Sail with the North Sea ferries you'll laugh all the way with so little to pay sail with the North Sea Sail with the North Sea boys.

The food will choke you, the staff provoke you the captain doesn't care noooo (x2)

Ahoy! sailings everyday, Ahoy it's the only way I feel sick I feel sick, North Sea ferrie's done the trick Ahoy beat the traffic jam, Ahoy Hull to Roterdam I feel sick & my cabin's freezin' cold ooh I booked North Sea Ferries What a silly boy you won't be merry on a North Sea Ferry Ahoy! Ahoy! Ahoy!

Get across the sea & so cheaply sail with the North Sea Sail with the North Sea ferries so book a trip on a North Sea Ferry ship sail with the North Sea Sail with the North Sea boys.

The food will choke you, the staff provoke you…

Ahoy! sailings everyday, Ahoy it's the only way I feel sick I feel sick, North Sea ferrie's done the trick Ahoy beat the traffic jam, Ahoy Hull to Roterdam I feel sick & my cabin's freezin' cold ooh I booked North Sea Ferries What a silly boy you won't be merry on a North Sea Ferry Ahoy! Ahoy! Ahoy!

When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you

If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you And if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you

But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles To fall down at your door

When I'm working yes I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you

But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles To fall down at your door

When I'm lonely yes I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream Dream about the time when I'm with you

When I go out, yes I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you And when I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you

But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles To fall down at your door

When I was young my father said “Son I have something to say,” and what he told me I’ll never forget, until my dying day. He said, “Son you are a bachelor boy and that’s the way to stay, son you are a bachelor boy…” -huh- I wish I was a bloody bachelor boy A happy ba-che-lor was he, But he ain’t no more gone is Garry As he ditched, when he got hitched to a witch and a bitch called melanie Who’s that then – Garry Slouched on the couch with that cow, There ain’t any doubt there’s no escape Now off his head, concerted Instead he wed, Melanie

He said, “I only wanted to stay” But the silly sucker, drained his life away “I only wanted to be” and he took no notice of me and it’s all over now –huh- for Garry

The bag nagged/asked to have a kid The most * that Garry ever did Stuck in a rut, he knows he’s a nut, with a pain in th butt called Melanie

He said, “I only wanted to stay” But the silly sucker, drained his life away “I only wanted to be” and he took no notice of me and it’s all over now –huh- for Garry

Off his head, off his * Garry was a sucker when he married Melanie

He said, “I only wanted to stay” But the silly sucker, drained his life away “I only wanted to be” and he took no notice of me and it’s all over now –huh- for Garry

He tells me, we’re happy, he could never guess While he’s at work, she’s an adulteress

She’s a bored, bored housewife – in the cul-de-sac ” ” “ - she’s a nymphomaniac ” “ ” - a filthy (? Sex factory ?)

It don’t hurt, to have a (? Flirt ?) But she’s a (? jezebugger ?) She’s a randy swine who swears “I don’t have clandestine affairs” I’m bored, bored, bored, bored, bored! He’s a pratt, we know that – his missus

She’s a bored, bored housewife – in the cul-de-sac “ ” “ - she’s a nymphomaniac ” “ ” - a filthy (? Sex factory ?)

The devil went down to Scunthorpe, looking for a soul to steal In a bind an' way behind he was willin' to make a deal. He came across this young man pickin' on a guitar, playing it hot an' An' the devil jumped on a hickory stump an' said 'I'll tell ya what' I guess you didn't know it, I'm a guitar player too, and if you care to take a dare I make a bet with you. Now you play a real good guitar boy, but give the devil his due, I'll bet a guitar of gold against you soul 'cause i think i'm better then you.

The boy said my name's Johnny, it might be a sin, i'll take your bet You're gonna regret, I'm the best I've ever been.

Johnny rosen up your pick an' play your guitar hard 'cause hell's broke loose in scunthorpe an' the devil deals the cards. Now if you win you'll get this shinny guitar made of gold, but if you loose the devil gets your soul!

The devil opened up his case and said 'i'll start this gig' and fire flew from his finger tips as he rosened up his pick. He strummed the pick across the strings it made an evil hiss Then a band of demons joined in and it sounded somthing like this

When the devil finished Johnny said 'You're pretty good ol' son, but sit down in that chair right there let me show you how it's done!'

Fire on the mountain run boy's run! Devil's in the house of the risen sun! Chicken in the bread pan picken out dough! Granny does your dog bite, no child, no!

The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat, and he laid that golden gitar on the ground at Johnny's feet. Johnny said 'devil just come on back if you ever want to try again, I done told you once you son of a bitch i'm the best I've ever been!'

Fire on the mountain run boy's run! Devil's in the house of the risen sun! Chicken in the bread pan picken out dough! Granny does your dog bite, no child, no!

Don’t want to be Sylvester Stallone – don’t push me Nev-ever gonna star in “Home Alone” Hamlet, MacBeth, I’m crazy for King Lear There’s nothing more exciting than reciting Shakespeare

Fred Olivier, to be or not to be Fred Olivier, all for my equity

Don’t want to go to Hollywood I sit alone and play the wood I quoth Othello and I feel wick I’m the only one who understands what I speak

Fred Olivier, to be or not to be Fred Olivier, all for my equity

I tread the boards till it make me scream But it was only a Midsummer Nights Dream, There’s more to life than a Shakespearean clone All I want is fame and fortune

Fred Olivier, to be or not to be Fred Olivier, all for my equity

Here we go again, down to Griefsville, yah I'm sneezing, I'm wheezing, I'm freezing I'm outside with no coat on I turned the lights on, where she'd been She's with him, she'll kiss him, now it's grim Again for me I'll, In the meanwhile Just cry my blues away

I go down, down, down, down, To Griefsville

Oh sitting on the windowsill I got sick, I got ill I've got no more time to kill cause I am in Griefsville

Oh, I am red, got a bad head cause she said, she can't see me I'm upset, cause I can't get what I want why should she, how could she not see me, today I'm gloomy She's threw me, out and I'm blue again

I go down, down, down, down, To Griefsville Gaahhh, I'm blue, Gaahhh, what can I do Gaahhhhh, alright! I go down, down, down, down, To Griefsville

Nobody loves me, nobody cares Nobody invites me to the party – we don’t want him there Introverted, we stay Sittin all alone his night is so sad – he ain’t got no mates

Don’t say a word, don’t say a word, don’t say a word to me My oh my, I just don’t know why, Tell me why, oh why I’m a lonesome guy Down they point everyone stares I’m a lonely bastard there’s Nowt more, nowt more lonely than me (x2)

Nobody calls me nobody phones Nobody ever sends a postcard to me – I’m always alone

Don’t say a word, don’t say a word, don’t say a word to me My oh my, I just don’t know why, Tell me why, oh why I’m a lonesome guy Down they point everyone stares I’m a lonely bastard there’s Nowt more, nowt more lonely than me He’s a lonely bastard

Don’t say a word, don’t say a word, don’t say a word to me My oh my, I just don’t know why, Tell me why, oh why I’m a lonesome guy Down they point everyone stares I’m a lonely bastard there’s Nowt more, nowt more lonely than me

Makes me grin makes me laugh too makes me sad makes me blue when I remember Nobby who, danced a gig for me and you to see the smiles of Nobby's styles * I weren't no football fan till he Dove Ken Driddley, on TV Mesmerized by the mastery of wee nimble Nobby just a dream it all seemed so far away the world took heed, and Nobby's team would pay

Nobby, in our memory hear them yell and hear them call Nobby, in our memory hear them shout and hear them roar ooooooohh, the memory, of Nobby lives on

we stayed home that day to see England vs Germany always in the memory, the sucker styles of Nobby to feel the thrills from his stills, was uncanny Nobby still, sends a chill through me

Nobby, in our memory hear them yell and hear them call Nobby, in our memory hear them shout and hear them roar ooooooohh, the memory, of Nobby lives on

I think I'll ring Kendra. (ring, ring) Hello, It's Olga. Can I speak to Kendra please? Just hold on a minute pet. Kendra? Olga's on the phone. Do you want to speak to him? Ahhh…I cannot!

I first saw Kendra at a pub called the Ramside Hall, in Durham so sweet and tender but she didn't even see me at all, no She looked so nice, she smelled so fine, oh how I wished that Kendra was mine five foot one, and eyes that were blue, a smile that made me melt oh what could i do? I had to get Kendra's telephone number really quick, yes. If I came srtaight to the point it would do the trick, yes. I asked her if she'd like to go out with me, She said that she was flattered but I just couldn't see why she said…

Ahhh, Olga… I cannot

My boyfriend's sitting on the seaty he does not want, you to see me, so Olga… I cannot.

I was really de-pressed what could I do, I was blue I'll ring her up again, in a day or two… On Monday Her boyfriend wasn't there, so I felt lucky hows about now, baby, come out with me and she said…

Ahhh, Olga… I cannot I would if I could but I don't think I should I can't, well I can, but I shan't, It's not good man Olga… I cannot

I'm sorry that I ever ran, She said, “Don't be dafted, ahh Olga man” I want to see you don't get me wrong I'll contact you soon, It won't be long…. but at the moment… I cannot

I called Kendra another 50 times on the phone… yes she agreed to meet me but I should have known… yes I wound the window down, in the Rolls Royce I said “jump in the back” and then I heard a voice start to say… start to saayyy… start to saaayyyyyy

Ahhh, Olga… I cannot

I'm going to Laurette, for my holiday in Spain but when I get back, I still cannot begin, so

Ahhh, Olga… I cannot I talked it over with me mum and me dad but even me sister and the dog thinks you're mad so Olga… Olga…. Ah, Olga… I cannot

One more, one more, one more, one more… * megabyte maniac fiddle with the mouse like a junky * I need me-me-memory He’s a brat, he’s a boor, with a word processor Don’t disturb on the door – no entry My, my what we got * (?In a gown?) * can I fill up your ram * gimme gimme gimme one more (x2) I need another megabyte to save my sanity – one more!

Where’s he at, where’s he gone, turnin that computer on In his room (? On the floor ?) beep beep beep Yeah man, he’s gone, always * Can’t take no more had enough I’ve had it all * * sh-sh-shake it

gimme gimme gimme one more (x2) I need another megabyte to save my sanity – one more!

She looks so grand a one night stand maybe I took my chance I said “let’s dance baby” How was he to know, she would never let him go But * and entranced we were And stuck together I could never leave her If he only knew, he’d fallen for a tube of super glue

She’s a leech - she’s my shadow, she won’t let go – ooooh She’s a leech – she’s unfriendly, he’s not that great – stuck on mE

Life’s been hell since she got welded to me I go nowhere unless she’s there, oowee Can’t escape the wife, she's connected at the side

She’s a leech - she’s my shadow, she won’t let go – ooooh She’s a leech – she’s unfriendly, he’s not that great – stuck on mE she sucked me dry

Twas fortunate when my best mate wooed her He’s a blockhead he’s been bonded to her With his * now she’s stuck on him instead…

She’s a leech - she’s my shadow, she won’t let go – ooooh She’s a leech – she’s unfriendly, he’s not that great – stuck on me

I can’t stop moping – I can’t stop crying I just ain’t coping – don’t feel like trying “Don’t ditch me,” I cry, but this is her reply She said “I must, (?get on the bus ?) goodbye…”

Some days, she said they’re through, I always knew she’d leave again Some days, she lied through her teeth, she’ll be back with Keith some day

My heart is broken – jilted she blew me out A moog once again, I feel dumb there’s no dafter

Some days, she said they’re through, I always knew she’d leave again Some days, she lied through her teeth, she’ll be back with Keith some day She’s gone I’m alone, I must be off my head Guess I should have known, she’d be with Keith instead Drop Dead!

Some days, she said they’re through, I always knew she’d leave again Some days, she lied through her teeth, she’ll be back with Keith some day

“I’m so glad” he tells me and you, “It’s so sad” we know it ain’t true… Oooh, in Tommy’s head He told me, “I’m head over heels,” a phoney We know what he feels, but Tommy thought he knew…

In Tommy’s head, he can’t believe “ ” “ she had to leave ” “ ” he’ll always yearn “ ” “ she will return

” I don’t mind“ at peace now he thinks We ain’t blind – we know what he feels – what he always dreams

In Tommy’s head, he can’t believe ” “ ” she had to leave “ ” “ he’ll always yearn ” “ ” she will return

…and he just can’t hide, that feeling inside Tommy

In Tommy’s head, he can’t believe “ ” “ she had to leave ” “ ” he’ll always yearn “ ” “ she will return